Starving.

I’m so hungry. I need satisfaction. I crave it. All I want to do is grab it and eat it. But I can’t. “That dress won’t fit.” The only thoughts replaying as I drown in the sounds of my roaring stomach. All I want to do is eat.

All I think about is eating. Am I bored or am I truly hungry? I need to know. I feel as if I’m constantly trying to fill this hole inside of me. Am I hungry because I’m unsatisfied with my life? Am I hungry because I want to numb the pain of my failure? Sometimes, when I’m in my Lyft rides going to work from school not eating a single thing since noon. I think about if it’s really about physical hunger.

When I was younger, much more skinny and much more filled with hope. I never really felt hungry. Yes, at times I would skip dinner to try to grab my parents attention, but at the end of it all in the night on an empty stomach, it didn’t bother me so much. But if I were to skip dinner today to fight for a little pity, I would surrender to my belly.

Is it because I’m older now? With age does your mind suddenly go into survival mode rather than creative mode? Or was it my sophomore year where all I had time for was eating. The 15 pounds came from something and it was definitely from all the snack breaks I had from the lack of school work I was doing. I think that year created a monster. Something inside me that always lingered, but rather than ignoring it, I gave it food.

I need to be skinny. I need to be skinny. I need to be skinny. To be skinny is a box I need to check. It’s a hall pass for me into that “American Dream” of sorority rush or places like Brandy Melville. I need to fit in that size 2. I didn’t just create an ideal to have a small waist and a pretty face. I created a law. A law that I need to abide by.

Even so. With all this blabber, I’m still so hungry. I seem to be stuck on the burning question of if I’m hungry or if I’m bored or if it’s much deeper than that. But today. Right now in this exact moment, that question will never be solved. Because nothing will change. I will always compare and I will always regress to eating, eating, eating, eating, eating…..eating…..eating…..and regretting my choices soon after that.